Caregiver Fatigue

Deb Says:
I have never thought of myself as a Diva or High Maintenance (well maybe if you talk to some of the men I’ve dated you’ll get a different answer – LOL) but recently I’m beginning to wonder. I’m starting to think I’m really hard work and it’s exhausting looking after myself.

I mean the conversations in my head alone – some days I feel like I’m looking after a petulant child:

I don’t want to get up.
The alarm is ringing – turn it off and get your ass out of bed.
But it’s warm in here.
We said we were going to go to the gym this morning, remember?
But I worked out yesterday, I can skip today.
No, we said we were going to work out five days a week this week. We have to go today or we’re going to get behind.
Then I’ll do twice as much tomorrow, okay?
Get your ass out of bed!
(throwing back covers) Fine! But I’m not going to enjoy this!

And then thirty minutes later:
I feel SOOOO good. I love getting up and doing workouts in the mornings!

You kind of start to understand how your mother felt, huh? Nag, nag, nag and no thanks afterwards. It’s like that with food, too. All these conversations in my head about what to eat, what not to eat, how it’s okay to just sneak this in, because I worked out extra hard, or it’s a special event, or it’s okay to have a special treat today because it’s a day with a “Y” in it. Do you feel like this sometimes? Like everything is a negotiation in your brain? Like everything is a discussion or argument or trying to convince yourself into the choices you’ve made?

I remember reading it only took six weeks to build up a new habit. But here I am, four years later, still trying to nail down these habits? And there are days where I am tired or stressed or haven’t eaten well where I am exhausted and just want to take the day off from being a caregiver. And on those days, I try to remember that for 30 years I didn’t look after myself, it’s going to take a few more than four years to have these new habits as strong as the old ones, don’t you think? And as I’m walking towards the bag of chocolate chips, just to have a couple, I remember what my life was like before I started to take care of myself, and then I change direction and grab the turkey bacon and egg whites for breakfast!

Arlene Says:
I am new to both reading and writing blogs. I find that phrases pop out for me a lot, they resonate. Sometimes the phrase resonates because I am there too or have been there. Sometimes the phrase resonates because the person is so clearly lying. Lying to themselves about what they are choosing, giving away power by giving away choices. You can hear the “yes, but” in the background, the excuses - “that’s just the way I am”, really? Deb’s word for this year is Intention. I think my word has to be Honesty. I need to get honest about what I’m doing and the effort I’m putting in. I also need to get honest about what I really care about ... staying healthy, getting healthier and stronger and really living in the moment.