Please Stop Lying

Deborah says: I just read a blog. Someone has gained a bunch of weight back. They’re not eating the way they know they should, they’re not working out, they’re searching for motivation - nothing new there, we’ve all been there. But then they said something interesting. They said they were angry, having all these horrible feelings and they didn’t like them. I get that - feelings are hard. I’ve only recognized and embraced my feelings for a short time (3 years or so). Before that I just kind of buried them under spaghetti and potato chips. Some of them are great - happiness, joy, pride, elation. Yeah, I’ll take those feelings anytime. But then come some others, sadness, anger, fear, bitterness, sorrow, guilt - the other end of the spectrum. The trick is, those ones are as much a part of life as the happy ones are - we have to learn how to embrace them as well. I mean, I don’t like breaking up with boyfriends, but it happened this year and I spent a solid week on the couch crying (while staring longingly at the fridge to be honest). But I just cried and didn’t eat. And didn’t feel better by the way. And then the next week I only cried every other day. And in between I managed to get to the gym and produce some of those feel good hormones. And now, several months later, I still cry a little, but it’s not frequent. And I feel by going through this, embracing those hard feelings, I finished it or got closure on my feelings for him. I mourned the relationship, let it pass, and am starting to be ready for something new. Honestly, I didn’t like those feelings either but they come with love. And the other thing I did, is I learned a new habit. It’s okay to cry or work out when you feel bad, but I reinforced that eating is not a way to treat bad feelings. And that makes me proud, which is one of those feelings I quite enjoy. And I think I’m going to focus on that for the rest of the day. Remember, feelings just are. You can’t get through life without scraping a few knees. It’s the same with feelings. But if the bad ones stick around for too long, if you feel stuck, the other thing to remember is there is lots of help out there. Arlene says All feelings are created by patterns in our body/mind. All feelings can be triggered by something we see, hear, taste, touch, smell, think, experience, or remember. Memories of feelings can be pleasant … “remember that time we were all camping and …. it was so hilarious …” and we smile and feel that lightness in our chest.

But we can also remember him saying goodbye and let’s be friends and how awful that is when we remember, how our chest is heavy and our throat is tight with tears. As Deborah says, you have to work through that. Each time we bring up the memory the intensity of the emotion lessens, because we are constantly updating it, putting it in the context of today, which is more days of surviving without him perhaps. So now we realize we can (survive), and we also realize that something funny was still funny, even though he wasn’t around, and then we realize we can survive; that life still holds many wonderful things. Welcome to the marvelous world of our adaptive, recovering brain. And if you are truly stuck with tough feelings that don’t seem to be changing then I believe you aren’t changing the thinking, you aren’t updating the memory with today’s context …. and you might need some help from a professional to get that started.

Give credit where credit is due!

Deborah says: Changing and maintaining your lifestyle is a challenge. But just for today, let’s focus on the good. Let’s focus on the people out there that help us out, make it easier to figure out what to eat, not leave us feeling ostracized when we go out with our friends. Here is my list of kudos with explanations. Earl’s. I enjoy this restaurant, the good service and the varied menu. I am grateful that every one of their menu items has full nutritional information online, including desserts. I applaud them for making several meals healthy choices for me. I’m really sad that they’ve removed Edamame from their menu, as that with the dynamite prawn roll, was one of my favourite dinners. Maybe if we all start a write in campaign, they’ll bring them back. Joey Tomato’s. Same as Earl’s – every menu item has complete nutritional information online. Easy to pick what you’re going to eat. I appreciate that their sizes aren’t crazy large, that their gyoza are not only tasty but a healthy choice and that there are lots of other choices, too. Milestones. Ask to see the low sodium menu. Not only is it low sodium, it’s low fat and low calorie and every bit as tasty. And how did I figure that out? Because they’re online too! Starbucks. Hot or cold, high fat or low fat, there are millions of combinations to make your drink just right for you. All info is online and their snack counter is filled up with lots of healthy options if you have the munchies. I’ve adapted my Starbucks all the way through my weight loss journey – proof you don’t have to give anything up, just adapt! Those are my top favourites – what about you? Who makes it easier for you to maintain a healthy lifestyle?

Arlene says: My recent experience was a very pleasant surprise at the Stampeder's ladies event, It's A Snap! It was my first experience at the event and a lot of fun. They advertised appetizers and wine and there was lots to choose from. Now I could comment on the wine being a bit of a critic, but it was likely fine considering the venue. The food choices were excellent! There were roasted vegetables, fresh veggies and dip, smaller rolls or wraps and fruit. while you could have made some not so healthy choices there was ample opportunity to Stop Lying and choose wisely. Reality is, there are an increasing number of good choices in restaurants and coffee shops now, healthier choices. But in the moment it can still be difficult to make wise decisions. what may work? Plan ahead, as Deborah said, go online and make your choices ahead or use those Implementation Intentions (see Stop Lying) and set yourself up to succeed.

What do you mean I can't do it all?

Deborah says:
Probably the biggest single mistake I made all the other times I tried to lose weight, and the biggest single mistake I read about on the blogosphere, is trying to do it all at once. Write that down somewhere – it’s important!

Ever heard this one: You didn’t gain all this weight in (a day, a month, a year) so how do you expect to lose it that quickly? FUCK I hate that. But it’s true. Damn.

Let’s take the example of a blog I just read – this poor girl is struggling to hit her goal weight and has set herself the lofty goal of losing 40 some pounds in four and a half months. To start with, I have to say unless you’re a 20 year old guy, that’s a pretty aggressive goal – but we’ll talk about that another day. So her first week of changes to finally reach this goal weight? Dusting off the running shoes and hitting the streets, drinking two litres of water a day, no sweets or chocolates, regular workouts besides the running, journaling, eating on diet plan, to bed early and regular grocery shopping. Wow! I’ve been doing this for four and a half years and barely have all that figured out.
You didn’t gain all this weight in a week. How can you expect to totally change your life in a week?

When we recently had our book launch party (www.fireescape.com) I said I had tried every diet in the world until I found out the one simple thing I had to do to be successful: completely change my lifestyle!
I had to:
• change my portion sizes
• cut down on fats
• cut down on refined foods
• eat more natural foods
• cook and chop more
• shop regularly
• menu plan
• journal
• exercise
• move more (can’t exercise for 20 minutes and sit on the couch the rest of the night)
• learn new activities
• find more active friends
• learn to shop
• experiment with baking
• pack lunches
• drink water
• learn about nutrition• learn about exercise
• stretch
• sleep better/more

And that’s only the start of it. The hard part was keeping it up. But what I didn’t do was sabotage myself by setting up impossible goals and lifestyle changes. Even me, a person who thrives on change and pressure, could not have survived a week changing everything at once. I not only would have wound up having a huge binge, I would have started drinking and probably smoking too.

No, think of it this way. A journey of 100 pounds begins with one change. Or something like that.

The thought of dieting (which is what I used to call it) for five years and making all these changes slowly but surely did not appeal to me. I wanted to lose 100 pounds in a year. Two pounds a week, right? Wrong. Never worked before, so I was pretty sure it wouldn’t work this time. So I had to change one thing at a time. For me it was portion sizes. I pulled out the measuring cups and I measured everything. I didn’t even limit myself on seconds – but I did require a 20 minute waiting period in between rounds. And I didn’t change anything else until I was really comfortable with that first change. After that I added 10 minutes of exercise a day (above the walking to work that I already did). And then slowly but surely, for almost five years now, I have changed something and then gotten used to it before I changed anything else. And it’s working.

Not that it’s easy. Not that life just magically got perfect. It’s hard and slow and painful some days. But every day I make the choice to love myself, not to sabotage myself and get into that crazy cycle of guilt and self-hate that ruins everything you’re trying to do.

Love yourself enough to let yourself succeed this time. You really deserve it – because, damn, you’re going to work hard for it!

Arlene says:
It is absolutely about solidifying a change before we make a new one. The brain will only change if the new pattern is repeated over and over. We will feel overwhelmed if changes keep coming and there is no routine to rely on. Change takes attention. Paying attention is work. The more changes at one time the more work. Too much work and we get tired, low energy and have less motivation. Low motivation and the new changes seem too onerous, demanding and difficult. Why not go back to the old way, just for a short time, just this once … what do you think happens next?

The only way to build on change is to stay with one new thing until it takes less work to do it or think of it, until it becomes familiar and even semi-comfortable. Then we try adding another new thing.

Honour the fact that change is work and give yourself a chance for success.

What's so good about feeling bad?

Deborah says:
I know I feel good when I go to the gym. Or walk. Or swim. So when I’m feeling bad why don’t I just race over to the exercise bike so I’ll feel better? Especially when I KNOW I’ll feel better?

Did anyone else have a tough 2011? Most of my friends did. I know I had challenges at the day job, with my home, with my heart, with some friends and physically, as well. I was beginning to feel like there wasn’t a safe place left to go. I know that having my home broken (flood damage) for ten months now has left me feeling as if I have no haven, no safe place. The gym. And yet I’ve struggled to get there. It doesn’t feel good to feel bad, but sometimes, when you’re on the couch and home for the day, it seems really hard to get ass to gym – and I have to tell youin my case it’s just across the hall.

Is it those old habits again? Just sit here, shove some food on it and you’ll feel better! But I know I won’t. I know what will make me feel better, even for a short time, will be eating an apple and riding the bike or going for a swim. I know that after that, I’ll be energetic and productive and, most important, not hungry for the rest of the evening. And yet knowing that, I still sit with said ass on said couch and wonder why I’m not crossing the hall to that awaiting bike.

I know, by now you’re hoping I’m going to give you a huge secret here – the answer for how to find hidden motivation within yourself. Well, sorry, if there is an answer when you’re in this state, I don’t know what it is. I just know that most days I don’t let myself go to bed until I’ve been to the gym. Sometimes, I only ride the bike for ten minutes. Sometimes it’s at 10:00 at night. But at least I got there and moved a little. And I have to say, a lot of times once I’m at the gym, ten minutes turns into twenty or thirty – but not always.

And I think it’s really important to say that if feeling bad is bringing you down, and you can’t get yourself moving, please talk to someone. There are lots of people (doctors, psychologists, help-lines, friends) that can help you in lots of ways. Sometimes it’s just meeting someone for a walk and sometimes it might be a visit to your doctor. But ask. Part of the stop lying is not lying about being able to do everything alone. So call a friend and meet them at the gym, I’m going to go and watch some trash TV while I’m on the elliptical – now that will make me feel better.

Arlene says:
Now add having a cold to the lack of motivation and man is it hard to stop the lying, the “I feel lousy so I’ll have comfort food.” But you don’t feel better, now it’s that all over achey feeling and guilt, yuck. This time I tried to have my favourite fruits readily available, so to hell with winter prices I had prepped strawberries, pineapple and blackberries ready. I limited the toast to one and had some pretty fruit and felt better.

It also matters what I’m reading. Even though I like mysteries I find that if I’m stressed I need to read more positive, optimistic stories. I need to be around stories of hope, challenge and creativity not death and murder. Watching Sir Ken Robinson on YouTube helps too. Turn to anyone who helps you stay genuine and Stop Lying.

I know this much is true.

Deborah says:
Here’s what I know about myself. I know that my eating/exercise/fat habits are well ingrained in my brain. It’s how I lived a solid 25 years, give or take, of my life. No matter how good a day I have or how much weight I lose, those habits are there, waiting to assert their authority again.

Some people say I’m tough on myself. It might appear that way, but I don’t know if it’s really tough, I think it’s more like being vigilant, not tough. I have worked really hard to stop lying to myself, gaining insight into the behaviours that made me unhealthy. And then I worked even harder to break those habits and develop new ones. But the truth is I’m only just four years into this new lifestyle – that’s a brand new baby habit that can’t stand up to the 25 year old granddaddy lurking inside me. I know I’m one box of Kraft Dinner away from the old me. Every morning when I get up I make a decision as to who I am going to be. And then I spend the day trying to live up to that decision.

What’s interesting is the people who say I’m hard on myself don’t see the times I don’t live up to those intentions. Like the milk chocolate covered macadamia nut in the lunchroom a few days ago. And for me, it’s not that that one chocolate did a huge amount of caloric damage – it’s that I spend the entire day thinking about it, planning more excuses to go into the lunch room, more ways I can work it off later. That’s the hard part for me, putting those thoughts back to bed once I’ve allowed them out for a minute. And that’s why I ate even better the rest of the day.

Reinforce the new, not the old. It really is okay to make mistakes. I make them all the time. And I don’t punish myself or blame myself or get into that big guilt circle – I try and learn from it. I try and figure out what got me there and how to avoid it again. But mostly, I don’t let one mistake become my entire day. I get back to my intentions immediately, and tuck those sneaky old habits back into the closet as quickly as I can, before they take over.

Arlene says:
I know this much is true… it is where you put your attention. When those brain patterns develop they include habits of focus. We spend entire days thinking about the “problem” food or our decision to eat the problem food. Retraining the brain is about practicing a new focus. Recognizing what our focus is, REWARDING ourselves for noticing not blaming ourselves for still having this problem. Of course you will notice the chocolate, of course it will seem desirable, it is the next choice that doesn’t have to be “of course.” The next step can be … Excellent! I notice I am thinking about the chocolate and I want to do this differently so what can I do to redirect my attention? Then we practice, practice, practice that redirect.

Shake it up a bit!

Deborah says:
Since I’ve started my weight loss journey, I’ve sort of started treating myself like an addict. I find a lot of my behaviours around certain foods are totally like Arlene describes addictive behaviour in our book. For me, my ultimate hit is POTATO CHIPS. See – a non-addict wouldn’t have used all caps! LOL

Seriously, that’s why I don’t bring chips into my house. They are a food I literally cannot control myself around. For example, after our book launch, the leftover chips somehow wound up in one of my bags and the following day, at 11:00 at night, after I’d gone to bed and thought about them being in my cupboard, I went down and got some. The next day they went down the garburator.

I also find that if I’m not careful my brain, my subconscious - whatever it is that controls all this stuff - tries to replace chips. For example, crackers snuck in. Don't get me wrong - I bought healthy crackers, low fat, lots of grains, but let’s face it – you can eat enough of anything healthy to turn it into a problem. So the crackers I bought for my occasional brothy soup became a nightly ritual while I was making dinner. My weight loss slowed down, my butter consumption went up. I realized I was trying to replace whatever it was I got from chips (fat? crunch? saltiness?) with these crackers. So I banned the crackers from living in my pantry – though I will buy them for a special meal/occasion – one box at a time – no matter how many the sale price suggests I should buy. Seriously, just because it says three for $5.00 doesn’t mean they won’t sell me one!

When I banished the crackers, I found myself heading in another direction that wasn’t where I wanted to go either. I just wish once I would use celery as a replacement for something I was trying not to eat!

Being vigilant is hard, it’s a non-stop 24/7 job. One of the things I always do to stay vigilant about is my journal. But here’s an interesting question. When was the last time you re-read your food journals? It’s good to use them daily, to keep you aware of what’s going in your mouth, but you can follow trends in them too. Go back, read a couple of months and see if there’s something you’re gravitating to, a food group you might be missing or avoiding, or a snack that’s possibly not on your intentions list. This is especially helpful if your weight loss has slowed or plateaued. I do the same thing with my exercise – I have a calendar by my scale where I record if I walk or swim or gym or sit on my butt (represented by a BIG blank square on said calendar). But when I’m standing on a scale that isn’t showing me the number I want to see, I can quickly figure out why.

Do you ever re-read your journals? What’s the best lesson you’ve ever learned from it?

Arlene says:
Ahhh celery, it just doesn’t seem to tickle the brain like other foods; which is really too bad.

I’m struggling with Christmas leftovers. We had folks over and I defrosted the Christmas goodies. Now I have shortbread, butter tarts, fudge and squares available … again. I hate to throw goodies out, but it’s back to that wasting food in the garbage or wasting food in my stomach. If they stay defrosted then I keep justifying why it is okay to have one after lunch or with supper. Unless I pick up the activity, which is unlikely right now, I cannot afford to eat this stuff. So as Deborah said, let’s shake it up, I have to shake up that old, unhealthy belief that all food is sacred and should not be wasted – sugar is not sacred!

Early to bed ... ?

Deborah says:
So I just finished dinner, cleaned everything up and had an entire night at home alone without anything to do. So exciting. I could finally watch a movie I’ve taped, or catch up on some recreational reading, or play Scrabble on my iPad. So I made a cup of tea, sat down, chose a movie and started watching it. About five minutes later I’m looking towards the kitchen and thinking about munchies. After all, I had a few calories left for the day.
Actual conversation from my head:
Pay attention to the movie.
Popcorn??
You’ve wanted to see this one for ages.
Rice krispies with peanut butter?
You love George Clooney.
Apple dipped in no fat caramel sauce?
You just had dinner.
It’s fun to munch when watching a movie.
You’re not hungry.
I know but …
Oh for God’s sake!

Click!! Thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk. Slam!

Sometimes you just have to go to bed!

No matter how good your intentions or your plan, no matter how strong your will or determination – sometimes you just have to go to bed – even if it’s only 6:45 p.m.

Arlene says:
Those behaviour chains are the worse. That collection of behaviours that fire together so often (popcorn/movie, bar with friends/beer & nachos, bar with football buddies/wings, anything to do with curling/beer) that when we do one the other automatically comes to mind. It is automatic, we have created that link. My most successful approach so far has been to plan what I will do instead of the usual or to set a very clear limit on the usual. Take wings for example, very easy to lose count; however, if you keep the bones on your own plate, rather than tossing them into the communal pile, you get excellent feedback about your intake. Another option is to order the veggie plate, donate the dip to the hot wing folk, and stay focused on your carrots. Not the same but at least you have something to do with your hands around all those carnivores.

First step, notice your behaviour chains. Second step, plan a strategy before the situation occurs. Last step, do it.

Happy Valentine's Day

Deborah says:
Okay, back to the caveman days. I understand how feasts were important celebrations because in those days it was literally feast or famine. I understand how in the middle ages it was about proving that you had more than everybody else. But I don’t understand why now, in this day and age, every single celebration has to include a table laden with more food than is needed to feed an army?

I mean, we just survived Christmas and now comes the worst – a fake holiday – a Hallmark holiday – a chocolate filled holiday: Valentine’s Day. Not only are we going to be taken out for some sort of romantic dinner at a high fat … I mean over priced … I mean lovely restaurant, but we’re going to be given a 15,000 calorie box of chocolates to eat afterward. And this proves you love me???
Okay, back to the basics. Food is fuel. Love is an emotion. There is no correlation between loving me and feeding me. As a matter of fact, in my new life giving me chocolate is more a sign of dislike! (LOL)

But seriously, when I think back to other holidays, like Christmas, I don’t really remember any of the meals. I remember my grandpa playing drums on mom’s pots. I remember playing Stockticker with my dad, I remember getting the Partridge Family record album (don't judge) I really wanted and playing it all day long. I remember when our Australian friend celebrated Christmas with us. I remember building snowmen in Victoria when it hardly ever snowed, I remember snowball fights and beach trips and visitors and games and even a dress I got one year – but I don’t remember a single turkey, cranberry sauce or mashed potato.
As to Valentine’s day, well my theory is that I don’t want my partner to tell me once a year they love me, I want them to tell me that every single day. Or skip February 14 and tell me the other 364 days. But giving me a box of chocolates will not prove that anyone loves me. It’s really important to this journey that we find the true meaning of any holiday in our own minds and hearts, and celebrate it that way. I’d like to celebrate Valentine’s day on my sofa, watching a movie with my sweetie, and maybe a bowl of popcorn after supper. To me, that would mean more than any box of chocolates, the fact that someone really wants to spend time with me.

Happy Valentine’s day everyone!

Arlene says:
Ahh Valentines. Did I mention my sweetie and I are celebrating our 28th year together? Freaky! We aren’t big Valentine’s folk, it is tough to go out for a meal that for some strange reason is costing us twice as much on this date versus last week. One of my favourites is to do the pre-made dinner thing. Sunterra does a fabulous job of putting together a wonderful meal, which I can pick up and take home and enjoy with wine at cost. We can make the portion sizes what we want, skip the sauces if we don’t want them and skip the dessert for something way more fun (I meant the hockey game). Making the meal together can be a treat and if we know one thing about women, foreplay has a lot less to do with the bedroom and way more to do with being together before you get there!

3 ... 2 ... 1 ... we have lift-off!

Saturday February 4 with combined with www.fireescape.com to throw a book launch charity fundraising party. We have a ton of people come, we had some great food, tons of laughs and raised a bunch of money for Heart Beats at the Alberta Children's Hospital.


We all had something to say.

Painted a little.


Ate a little.


And made some great art!

Thank you from our hearts to everyone involved.

Caregiver Fatigue

Deb Says:
I have never thought of myself as a Diva or High Maintenance (well maybe if you talk to some of the men I’ve dated you’ll get a different answer – LOL) but recently I’m beginning to wonder. I’m starting to think I’m really hard work and it’s exhausting looking after myself.

I mean the conversations in my head alone – some days I feel like I’m looking after a petulant child:

I don’t want to get up.
The alarm is ringing – turn it off and get your ass out of bed.
But it’s warm in here.
We said we were going to go to the gym this morning, remember?
But I worked out yesterday, I can skip today.
No, we said we were going to work out five days a week this week. We have to go today or we’re going to get behind.
Then I’ll do twice as much tomorrow, okay?
Get your ass out of bed!
(throwing back covers) Fine! But I’m not going to enjoy this!

And then thirty minutes later:
I feel SOOOO good. I love getting up and doing workouts in the mornings!

You kind of start to understand how your mother felt, huh? Nag, nag, nag and no thanks afterwards. It’s like that with food, too. All these conversations in my head about what to eat, what not to eat, how it’s okay to just sneak this in, because I worked out extra hard, or it’s a special event, or it’s okay to have a special treat today because it’s a day with a “Y” in it. Do you feel like this sometimes? Like everything is a negotiation in your brain? Like everything is a discussion or argument or trying to convince yourself into the choices you’ve made?

I remember reading it only took six weeks to build up a new habit. But here I am, four years later, still trying to nail down these habits? And there are days where I am tired or stressed or haven’t eaten well where I am exhausted and just want to take the day off from being a caregiver. And on those days, I try to remember that for 30 years I didn’t look after myself, it’s going to take a few more than four years to have these new habits as strong as the old ones, don’t you think? And as I’m walking towards the bag of chocolate chips, just to have a couple, I remember what my life was like before I started to take care of myself, and then I change direction and grab the turkey bacon and egg whites for breakfast!

Arlene Says:
I am new to both reading and writing blogs. I find that phrases pop out for me a lot, they resonate. Sometimes the phrase resonates because I am there too or have been there. Sometimes the phrase resonates because the person is so clearly lying. Lying to themselves about what they are choosing, giving away power by giving away choices. You can hear the “yes, but” in the background, the excuses - “that’s just the way I am”, really? Deb’s word for this year is Intention. I think my word has to be Honesty. I need to get honest about what I’m doing and the effort I’m putting in. I also need to get honest about what I really care about ... staying healthy, getting healthier and stronger and really living in the moment.